To begin your quest to find miraculous, body-shaping Spanx, you must first research where the nearest plus size women’s store is in your area. Seeing as you are in denial about your weight, you probably will not have a clue since you are still shopping in the junior’s department and squeezing into the season’s “must- haves”. This is a shopping trip you will have to plan ahead of time…invite a friend and have them keep the car running in the parking lot while you dart in, that way you can make a quick and unnoticed getaway. Also, plan on wearing a baggy sweatsuit so you can blame your weight on your poor wardrobe choice. Wear large, dark sunglasses in case you run into anyone you know and whatever you do, always avoid eye contact.
When the day arrives, leave home early to avoid large shopping crowds. Try to park in a front stall, or in a handicap stall, they never use them all anyway. Arrive at the pre-determined plus-size store and glance in the rearview to make sure your glasses are covering most of your face. Poof out your sweatshirt, and take a deep breath. Take off in a sprint across the lot, sucking in as you run. Keep your eyes down so you don’t make eye contact with any of the women coming in and out the front door. You swear you see a teacher from your hometown and a friend’s mom…keep running. Reach the door and gather yourself. Slowly push open the door so you don’t make any loud noises. Damn! Electronic door chime! Everyone’s eyes turn to the door where you stand awkwardly. Keep your head down and start the search. Look around frantically for those magical Spanx, look past the horrid pant suits, the gaudy brooches, the elastic waist denim pants, the miserable blouses, the…
“Can I help you?” Screeches a terribly chirpy voice
Damn it. You didn’t count on this. Play it cool.
“Um….uh…yea…I’m looking for the…the…Spanx.” You whisper, barely audible.
“Oh, the Spanx! They’re right up front here by the register!” Blabs the shrill employee at an inappropriate decibel level.
Follow the cheerful, plump sales lady into the eye of the storm… the center of the store. Eyes still downcast, feet shuffling quickly. Arrive at a display case right out in the open, see the holy grail of body shapers, Spanx. Listen vaguely as Screechy McSales clerk explains very loudly how to select your size by your body weight.
“WHAT SIZE WILL YOU BE NEEDING TODAY?”
Doom. That’s it. Every eye in the store turns to you.
Wipe a bead of sweat from your brow with a quivering hand and calmly reply.
“I need a small…”
Never mind that your weight exceeds the small by nearly 75 pounds. You are in denial, and you will definitely be purchasing a small.
Watch the pudgy sales clerk eye you up and down as she chuckles and says:
“Ok, you can exchange them if they don’t work.”
Gather your last little ounce of confidence and saunter up to the counter. Shell out $47.50 for your grand purchase and gather your bag and run.
Run out the front door with your purchase snuggly under your perspiring armpit and head to the car, ready and waiting to make a getaway. Hop in and breathe a sigh of relief as you light up a cigarette and try desperately to get your heart to stop pounding. You did it.
That evening, when everyone in the house is soundly asleep, pull out your tightest pair of pants. The ones you haven’t worn since high school. Open your Spanx excitedly and start to put them on. Right foot first, then left then pull them up…and pull them up… maybe lay down on the bed and suck in really hard as you pull them up…get them mid-thigh and realize you are still truly in denial about your weight. Your legs are turning a deep shade of blue and they are becoming numb. Your Spanx don’t fit.
Ball them up into a tight wad and shove them back into the darkest corner of your underwear drawer. Never admit to anyone that you bought Spanx that were too small.