Sunday, April 19, 2009

Springtime at Holiday Acres

Summer Wish List:
* Bird feeders
*Lots of wind chimes
*Patio with pergola
*Sand box
*Horseshoe pit
*Lots of flowers
*Tree swing
*Swimming pool (at least 4 feet deep)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


but always trying.
Craving silently...
Can't you see?
Look at me.

Monday, April 6, 2009

weekend "bullet style"

it has been a crazy weekend and now are my thoughts in my very signature scattered style:
  • took babe to the emergency room on saturday. she had a high temp and was very miserable. i love how it took 6 straight days of high fever, cough, ungodly amounts of snot, ear infection and a trip to the emergency room for someone to finally take us serious and get her started on an antibiotic. i get very defensive because i sometimes think of myself as a "young" mother and think that no one takes me seriously because of my age...or my tattoos or something dumb like that. i forget that 24 is not "young" by today's standards. she is doing a lot better now. finally...
  • hubby has begun talking to me. but nothing about our little squabble. i was a little worried because he opened a checking account this weekend in his name. i was convinced he was leaving me. he tried to *cough* snuggle with me the other night and i had to stop him. even though we have been talking, he didn't apoligize or give me my wedding rings. i love how men can be so dismissive about some things. i'm still pretty upset and hoping everything gets better. i just want to feel like a wanted woman again. i want to fall in love again. i keep trying to convince myself i am exactly where i need to be in my life right now. i hope i'm right.
  • Ugly came to visit this weekend in between the fights between me and hubby and babe being sick. it was so nice to see her again. babe gave her plenty of snot souviners to take home with her. i wish i was more available, but home was crazy and i was so tired in between. i hope she had fun. we watched slumdog millionaire and decided it was cool, but didn't live up to the hype and that i need a bigger tv therfore larger subtitles. Ugly made me a mixtape and i made her one as well. i'm listening to the one she gave me and i think it is so awesome how similar we are for not talking for 6 years! how wonderful to have an old friend again.
  • i'm thinking about all the things i love to do (art, piano, singing, reading, acting) and how pathetic i am for not finding time for any of it. i have not read a full book in almost a year. the only time i sing is when i'm in the car by myself. i quit theatre years ago. my keyboard is in a corner upstairs. i can barely find the time and focus to draw. these are all things that define me and i choose not to have time. i'm miserable not doing the things i am passionate about. how sick i make myself.
  • i want to grow my hair out, lose 30 pounds and then chop all my hair off into a faux hawk. not even joking. if i can scrounge up some more cheekbone this summer, i'm totally going to do it.
  • i realized the other day when i was out smoking, that if my house didn't have such nice siding, that i would NEVER live here. my house is always under construction inside and some parts are down right ugly, but the outside is so beautiful when people drive by. but at least i have a "pretty house" to the neighbours. kinda sounds like my life. especially the construction part.
  • i'm going to buy a birdfeeder and a crap ton of bird seed. the birds are awesome here in the mornings. they get so close to me. i'm going to be one of those people i made fun of when i was younger...sitting in front of the window with a field guide and a cup of coffee.
  • i have to make easter bunnies out of construction paper hearts tommorrow for preschool. who the hell makes a bunny out of hearts? i don't get it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My Mid-Night Soundtrack

Track 1.......Eight Cup Folgers
Track 2......Comet Cleaner
Track 3......Fever 101
Track 4......Camel Cigarettes
Track 5......Neck Ache
Track 6......He's Still Pissed
Track 7......90's Rock
Track 8......Broken Furnace
Track 9......Should Be Sleeping
Track 10.....Ugly Tommorrow
Track 11.....New Shampoo
Track 12.....Numb

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Trying hard to balance "Domesticated" and "Deranged"

So it's 1:37 am "my world" time and I'm trying to figure out why I'm not sleeping, why I just ate a plate of goulash, and why I'm entertaining the thought of another cigarette and cleaning my kitchen. (Not at the same time mind you...) I've had kind of a bummer day.

I've been a real jerk and I've just kind of reveled in it and rolled around in it all day...and now next day too. My babe has had a fever and is under the dog vomited some of the most un-godly "stuff" I have ever seen (or smelled) in my entire into a really nasty fight with my husband...(in case the illustration earlier didn't give it away) and my furnace is on the fritz so I can't even feel my toes right now. Grrr.

I couldn't wake the hubby up today. He works nights and I am very much a day person. (But I can swing the nights too) I've just kinda become accustomed to the no sleep state. I get very jealous that he gets to sleep whenever he wants while I take care of EVERYTHING. I shook him, yelled at him, poked, prodded, snatched the blanket...the only reaction I got was a couple of grumbled curse words. So I did the only thing that made sense in the moment. I grabbed the nearest water bottle, gave him the warning, and began the countdown. I poured the water on him and he was Pissed (note: the capital "P"). He grabbed the bottle and flung water on me and all around the bedroom. In my heightened rage, I took my wedding rings and threw them in his face. When he calmed down, he picked them up and tried to hand them to me. I let out a couple of huffs and wouldn't take them. He would not give up. So finally, I took them and dropped them on the ground right at his feet. Now usually, I'm not the sort of girl that would do this...but today I was in a pretty rare mood.

We took Babe to the Doctor. He apparently thought that a fever and rattly cough was pretty mild and told us to give her Tylenol for the fever. Eight minute appointment. Thanks Doctor McJerkface. I just fought tooth and nail with my husband to get him here, got Babe all ready to go, drove to the doctor in complete utter silence, paid a $20 copay for you to think I'm an overbearing Mom?!? @#$%!&*

We get home, another 6 miles in complete silence... and Hubby kisses Babe and leaves. Off for another night of work. I didn't wave and he didn't say goodbye. The second he started down the road, I scramble upstairs to pick up my wedding rings. Damn. He beat me to the chase. I've felt pretty mean all night. I almost get more mad when hubby doesn't want to engage in a fight. I wish he would so I knew he was hearing me. I'm old-fashioned and I think a man should always take care of his wife and family. But lately, I'm feeling kinda like a convienent room mate for him. I feel bad for busting off the wedding rings, but I want him to think about our vows and I really want him to just fall in love with me again. I really don't want to wear my wedding rings until then. Maybe next time around, he'll get down on one knee. I guess I'll have to just clean my kitchen and wait for morning to come.

Having a bad day