Thursday, March 26, 2009

My Mom

In about 30 minutes, it will be my Mom's birthday. She died on May 7, 2007. I'm sad that I can't give her a gift or call her. When she was alive, her Birthday greetings and gifts were all a little late. Now that she's gone, I plan her birthday for weeks in advance. She was an amazing woman and she touched a lot of lives. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Love and care for everyone like this is their last moment. It sounds cliche, but let them know how great they are. I wish I could have told my Mom more often. Now I just have to honor her in the way I live my life and raise my daughter. I love her so much. Happy Birthday Mom.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Crie de Vous et Moi

Emmêlez-vous vos doigts par mes cheveux,
Bénissez oh s'il vous plaît mes lèvres avec le vôtre.
Vos doigts dansant sur ma joue,
Vos mots doux ont respiré sur mon cou.
Oh cet air est rapide,
Cet air est dur de respirer.
Cet air crie de vous et moi.

Haikus! Bless You...

Please do not leave me
As I have fallen for you
And once we were one

Swallow me empty
Spin me into the deepest
oblivion made

Ocean floor so clear
Visions of love reflected
The coarse sand of you

Stars are spinning bright
I wish to live your one song
Be your orchestra

My first Spoken

Everyone's too in love and flowers pick themselves.
Here and there and this and that and I've renamed myself "Afterwards" after all your words,
Your words you gave to the birds and the bees and to all without wings and everyone's too in love and I'm just a frail hand looking for a glove to cover these fingers you held so close.
We were so close and who knows what we could have been,
but that's the past and today's today,
a day to say I have nothing to fear but I wish I had someone right here to listen and hear with eyes to eyes and lip to lip,
wake up to a peace of mind,
a sign
an imprint on my double bed to hold my head and to say what you said.
I'm not dead but I want it in my head and I don't GOT the power to pick my own flowers cause I'm too tired with these fascinations I have,
and I'm sure if all heard this,
they'd just laugh.
"Silly girl, fancying herself..."
But the truth is I'm living in hell,
the worst place to be,
but can't anyone see it's not up to me,
it's not up to me to drown myself in this sea of ideals.
And ask me:
"Water in your's it feel?"
"Water in your lungs...that could kill!"
And I don't need to swim until I drown in the sounds of illusions and delusions and sight and smell and sound.
The flowers
pick themselves
cause everyone's too in love.

In the arms of Inspiration...Let me waste away

Throttle the swan and sing of beauty everyday.
Found , once again, blundering ethics while left lost.
Stupidity pulls the weight of the fallen.
Hate's cruel unexposures revealed in the hypocrisy of joy and love.
Raise your arms,
lose yourself,
and begin again.

Like the light of a party in full swing.
Reflections and shadows gracing the windows with their private dance.
Alcohol warming mouths and drama being spoken louder than necessary.
Laughter and whispers.
So this is how she shall live life...

"Stupid Potheads Leaving the Windows Open"
Giggles upon inebriated night air lingers round my ears pulling me from sleep.
My eyes beg refuge in comatose harmony to this chilled night.
This pen writes of this cigarette smoke tracking in pale circles.
I'm wishing very hard that someone will shut that damn window.

Waking up to your shower of kisses,
melting into the circle of your arms.
Some call it fleeting,
but I can smile at your glances and trust in these moments as lasting.

My freaky dream

So I don't normally post things like the following because I would be too afraid of what people might think of me...but I have to post this:

So this afternoon, I caught a little nap before my husband had to go to work. I was very tired and fell asleep right away. I had two fairly good dreams that I can't remember, but I do remember in my dream thinking this can't be rea,l pinch me. I pinched myself and didn't wake up and finally forced my eyes awake and saw my bedroom...So I knew I was dreaming and went right back into. The third dream I had was a little more intense...still foggy though. This is what I remember: It was some afternoon and My husband, daughter, and I had my husband's family at our house. it was a nice day and then something started to go wrong ( I don't remember what). Something like the weather or power. Then, we started to have a lot of water issues in the house. Pipes were leaking and our septic wasn't working right...but it was all very mild...just a lot of water. Then the floors in our house started to sag from all the water. For some reason my husband and daughter were sleeping in the bedroom. I ran up to the room and my daughter's playpen had began to sink through the floor and I felt really panicked. I grabbed her and woke up my husband. He woke up and when we looked out the window, there was water rushing from all over our property right up and into the house and the structure started to sink. Then it stormed very briefly and then a bunch of flies started to gather and the noise was very loud. I started to get scared and after a bit, the flies ended and it started to snow. I said to my husband that I thought this was the Apocolypse, and started to pray out loud very hard. Then it started to get very hot and it felt like the tops of our heads were going to explode from the heat (but nothing was hurting us) and we felt peace. Then we're in a typical looking city in a building. There's a sermon going on and people I've never met all over the place. We ask and found out we're in heaven. It wasn't all beautiful, it just looked like a regular place and there were people all over that looked as if they were volunteering. Some people were out on the street talking and people were inside and everyone is acting like nothing even happened. There was a long table with like 3 volunteer looking people where you could go and find out if your loved ones were in heaven at that time. We went and the first person we asked about was my father-in-law. The lady told us he was clear. Then went to ask about my mother-in-law and they told us to ask tommorrow. They could only tell us one at a time. I don't remember all the other stuff, but then we're all back on earth. Everybody is still very calm as if nothing really happened. We are still in a city-looking place. We start to walk and as we're walking past all the destroyed homes, a girl behind me makes a comment about how pissed she is that her books, now laying in piles on the sidewalk, are ruined. Then, I meet up with some friends and my husband seperates to go do something. Me and my friends are amazed because people are looting and stealing other's things. (Seriously, don't you think that would be the last of your worries during the end times?) Then my husband comes back in our car (somehow) and has a bunch of stolen road signs. And that's about all I remember. I just woke up really scared, and moved, and peaceful. Ithought this was one of those things I just had to share to get others minds going too.

LIght Under the Door

Sprinkle your magic dust and turn me into the girl who lays there and wants the touch,
the touch she wouldn't normally want,
but that you're about to give.
Watch this room collide with the curve of your back as I breathe hard and try to speak the words I lack.
Feel my body tremor uncontrollably as we spin into a deep oblivion,
digging my grave.
Try to lift my arm,
try to touch you,
just try to be brave.
Try to utter or scream over the breathing that controls me:
Help... Someone please save me.
Look at the room shrinking smaller around your smile and see it bust at the seams...
Just focus on the light under the door...
Try to reach for the water at the foot of the bed.
Sit up,
fall down,
we all fall down and around and around and east and west and north and south.
Feel my body weighed down by the length of yours leaving a double image of mine laying there,
trying to get you to hear the words I just said.
Notice the room turning a faint shade of red.
Picture my family portrait,
my brothers in the front,
parents in the back.
Imagine me still weightless,
still dead.
So is this rape or confusion?
Confusion over what I would do or what I have done or what I want to or what I can do with a little enchantment from your special drug.
As you wrap me in the hug of this drug,
a limbo,
but not a disco,
cause the lights are actually pretty there...
Toss and turn and yearn and burn to slip into the light under the door.
So take your flag and drive it into my spine,
claim as your territory for this morning and most of the night.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Old Skool

Drink a drop of hope and watch it grow inside,
Plant a seed of happiness and pesticide the pride.
With the grieving comes the mourning,
With the mourning comes the sun.

Warm talk by a drafty window
Camera flashes lighting moments
Saturday night in a city of sound and lights
And loving every minute of this short life
And it's a great night for me to fall in love with who I am
To embrace my beauty before anyone else can

If I could write words with this cigarette smoke,
I'd have a novel.
If I could cash this reality check,
I would be a millionaire.
And If I could save all our time in a bottle,
I would still be very thirsty.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I Feel Pretty

One of my favorite movies is "Enchanted". A lot of people like this movie for it's comedy... Amy Adams skipping around in a poofy dress, singing to the birds, stopping to talk to strangers and tell them how lovely they are...It all seems a little funny and definately outlandish...well not for me! I've always been the girl that would rather wear a long dress instead of a tube top. I stick my pinky out when I drink things and have "pagaent" hands. (They're sorta like jazz hands, just a little less in your face). I would love to skip, and sometimes I just looks like I'm having a seizure. When no one is around, I like to float around and sing songs just like Snow White singing to the woodland creatures. It must work, cause my dogs get hella excited...or scared maybe. Anyhow, I've always been the type who was convinced that my True Love would be the one that noticed the way I pushed my hair out of my eyes, or how gentle and fluid my body moved. He would be able to look in my eyes and know everything about me. He would hold my hand and dote on me and maybe even drool. I thought about those little things more than anything else growing up. I was always sure that I was the most beautiful in the room and nobody would be able to ignore me. Now that I've been married almost 3 1/2 years, I've figured out that my husband did not fall in love with me because of the sultry stares and the magical hair flips. He fell in love with the girl that wakes up with her hairbrush still stuck in her hair and a puddle of drool on his corner of the pillow. The girl that blurts out the most random obscenities at the stupid, flippin, mothertruckers who decide to drive like deuch bags in front of us. The girl who cries during really freaky parts of scary movies. The girl who skips the candlelit dinner and brings home a bucket of chicken and a case of Mt. Dew. Although somedays I may be overwhelmed by my busy life as a wife, mother, and worker and I may not feel so pretty. I have to remember that my husband has still not noticed my "pageant hands" but he notices that I stick my pinky out when I light my zippo. Amy Adams ain't got nothing on me...and I haven't even changed out of my pajamas today!

Things About Me That Normally Don't Come Up in a First Conversation

i took eleven years of piano and i cannot read music.

i was adopted and i was always convinced i was really some long lost princess.

i kill every single house plant i get. but not on purpose. even cactuses.

i taught myself latin because i got bored one time.

i was a virgin until my husband.

i love cartoons. i wish they were real.

when my brother was 5, i convinced him to run away from home. i packed him clothes and made him food and drew him a map. he was gone for a whole 9 hours before my parents found him and i was in a lot of trouble.

i once snuck into a boys bathroom dressed as a boy just to tag a stall.

i went to a christian school in 4th grade and got the crap beat out of me everyday. that's were i learned how to swear too.

i think dinosaurs are awesome. rawr.

i hate adults that wear clothes with disney characters on them. like're old.

i went to france on a missions trip and came back with an english boyfriend.

i smoke way too many cigarettes.

i found my biological family on facebook. weird. i know.

i watched somebody die after a murder.

i worked as a bartender in a strip joint for a whole week. it was super entertaining and very odd.

i've dyed my hair at least 20 times. at least...

My First Blog

this is my first blog post.
this is what it is.
i cannot figure out these colors.
and this is not even me.