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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Territory

In Dark,
Till Dawn wraps her
Slender arms around the
Bright lines and clots
Of shadow that
Blocks the moon that
We seek and hold
On starry nights,
When we fall down.
All fall down .
And round and round
And up and down…
Rename ourselves
“Afterwards.”
After all those words.
This dizzying dance of arms
And legs and parts
With the mourning,
Comes the sun.
In Dark,
Rely on Dawn.

Things Shouldn't Be So Hard --Kay Ryan

A life should leave
deep tracks:
ruts where she
went out and back
to get the mail
or move the hose
around the yard;
where she used to
stand before the sink,
a worn-out place;
beneath her hand
the china knobs
rubbed down to
white pastilles;
the switch she
used to feel for
in the dark
almost erased.
Her things should
keep her marks.
The passage
of a life should show;
it should abrade.
And when life stops,
a certain space—
however small—
should be left scarred
by the grand and
damaging parade.
Things shouldn't
be so hard.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Holiday Acres

Weeping willows cry memories out loud,
Cascading with the wonder years
And falling down. Look around for lofty
Heights with secret signs…
Daylilies testify there was once proof of life.
The life we dreamt, it happened fast.
In this small place, we didn’t think we would last.
This place is our home through births and deaths,
And I keep coming back to be fulfilled.
Relying on memories,
And creating many

But on early summer mornings,
I can hear the doves warning
Mourning…
Dirty antique shops where treasure comes to die.
Dreams can be lost here,
But all will still try.
This place creates an affair of passion and hate,
A stately thing, like Main Street Bank.
Get your hands dirty and come take part
In a town of defeat and lost hearts.




Take pride in the struggles and the wounds that you gained.
I’m picking up the pieces and honoring your name.
On County Road One each day I go home,
I feel pride well up and wish you were here.
Come see the new tree house with a fresh painted sign,
The gardens are blooming with promise of life
This is our home inspired by strife,
Built up on love,
With a foundation of pain.

How to Buy Spanx When You are a Fat Girl in Denial

To begin your quest to find miraculous, body-shaping Spanx, you must first research where the nearest plus size women’s store is in your area. Seeing as you are in denial about your weight, you probably will not have a clue since you are still shopping in the junior’s department and squeezing into the season’s “must- haves”. This is a shopping trip you will have to plan ahead of time…invite a friend and have them keep the car running in the parking lot while you dart in, that way you can make a quick and unnoticed getaway. Also, plan on wearing a baggy sweatsuit so you can blame your weight on your poor wardrobe choice. Wear large, dark sunglasses in case you run into anyone you know and whatever you do, always avoid eye contact.
When the day arrives, leave home early to avoid large shopping crowds. Try to park in a front stall, or in a handicap stall, they never use them all anyway. Arrive at the pre-determined plus-size store and glance in the rearview to make sure your glasses are covering most of your face. Poof out your sweatshirt, and take a deep breath. Take off in a sprint across the lot, sucking in as you run. Keep your eyes down so you don’t make eye contact with any of the women coming in and out the front door. You swear you see a teacher from your hometown and a friend’s mom…keep running. Reach the door and gather yourself. Slowly push open the door so you don’t make any loud noises. Damn! Electronic door chime! Everyone’s eyes turn to the door where you stand awkwardly. Keep your head down and start the search. Look around frantically for those magical Spanx, look past the horrid pant suits, the gaudy brooches, the elastic waist denim pants, the miserable blouses, the…
“Can I help you?” Screeches a terribly chirpy voice
Damn it. You didn’t count on this. Play it cool.
“Um….uh…yea…I’m looking for the…the…Spanx.” You whisper, barely audible.
“Oh, the Spanx! They’re right up front here by the register!” Blabs the shrill employee at an inappropriate decibel level.
Follow the cheerful, plump sales lady into the eye of the storm… the center of the store. Eyes still downcast, feet shuffling quickly. Arrive at a display case right out in the open, see the holy grail of body shapers, Spanx. Listen vaguely as Screechy McSales clerk explains very loudly how to select your size by your body weight.
“WHAT SIZE WILL YOU BE NEEDING TODAY?”
Doom. That’s it. Every eye in the store turns to you.
Wipe a bead of sweat from your brow with a quivering hand and calmly reply.
“I need a small…”
Never mind that your weight exceeds the small by nearly 75 pounds. You are in denial, and you will definitely be purchasing a small.
Watch the pudgy sales clerk eye you up and down as she chuckles and says:
“Ok, you can exchange them if they don’t work.”
Gather your last little ounce of confidence and saunter up to the counter. Shell out $47.50 for your grand purchase and gather your bag and run.
Run out the front door with your purchase snuggly under your perspiring armpit and head to the car, ready and waiting to make a getaway. Hop in and breathe a sigh of relief as you light up a cigarette and try desperately to get your heart to stop pounding. You did it.
That evening, when everyone in the house is soundly asleep, pull out your tightest pair of pants. The ones you haven’t worn since high school. Open your Spanx excitedly and start to put them on. Right foot first, then left then pull them up…and pull them up… maybe lay down on the bed and suck in really hard as you pull them up…get them mid-thigh and realize you are still truly in denial about your weight. Your legs are turning a deep shade of blue and they are becoming numb. Your Spanx don’t fit.
Ball them up into a tight wad and shove them back into the darkest corner of your underwear drawer. Never admit to anyone that you bought Spanx that were too small.

Like mother, Like daughter

I learned to handle my relatives with grace. I learned how to get that extra discount on a clearance item no matter what. I learned to stand up for my family, even when they are wrong. I learned that your child’s first year pictures are necessary and to send out thank you letters in a timely manner. I learned that “no” is not an answer and that “bored “is a swear word. I learned that you never admit in front of a man that you shave your legs… or anywhere else for that matter. (apparently they think it just happens…) I learned how to plan a wedding for under a thousand bucks. I learned that a house is not a home until you have a pet possum. I learned the 4H pledge by heart. I learned how to knit two, pearl one. I learned all of the half-off days at the thrift stores in a hundred mile radius. I learned that the best milkshakes in the world are shamrock shakes from McDonalds. I learned how to skillfully barter at garage sales and how to impress the hardest judge. I learned how to put my hair in hot rollers all by myself. I learned to ask permission before starting to date. I learned that a cell phone will not necessarily help the long-distance problem, and that you were serious about taking it away when I didn’t pay the bill. I learned that our trips to Kohls always resulted in a van-load of bags. I learned that eagles are worth stopping to photograph on Highway 169 even if it almost causes a multi-car pileup. I learned that wildflowers are always worth the walk in the ditch and with a little luck you can transplant ditch roses. I learned that it is worth getting a cat if you have a super unique name for it already picked out. I learned that those people I always tried to impress, really aren’t that great after all. I learned that it’s always better to give than to receive, even if it’s my last. I learned how to make a whole outfit by hand and lie about where I bought it. I learned that a May Day basket is just as important as a Christmas gift. I learned that the feathers on a pheasant may be pretty, but they are really hard to pluck off of a fresh bird. I learned how to make jewelry out of potatoes. I learned how to make dinosaur eggs with prizes inside. I learned that Christmas trees can work year-round as décor. I learned how to snowshoe. I learned how to get your favorite toy in your McDonald’s happy meal. I learned that you are more likely to get presents from family if you send them a Christmas letter each year. I learned how to set a formal dining room place setting. I learned how to quilt. I learned that piano lessons were worth it, even when I didn’t like to practice. I learned what “grace under fire” means. I learned how to care for Papa, even when he’s being a whiner. I learned how to look out for my brothers, humor them and how to keep them out of trouble. I learned that no matter how long I would have had you on earth, I could have never said I loved you enough. I learned that the best honor for a mother, is for her to daughter to honor her memory and keep it alive.

apples and tomatoes

A tomato differs from an apple because it is tender, not crisp, tart, and not sweet. A tomato will ooze when you cut it with a knife, while an apple merely makes a shushed crunch sound. A tomato can finish a sandwich. An apple would not fit well on top of bologna. An apple’s skin will shine as it hangs from the tree. A tomato’s skin is waxy and dull as you pluck it from the vine. An apple tastes great with caramel, while a tomato usually does not. If you step on an apple you will stumble and fall. If you step on a tomato, your shoe will be slimy. You can throw a tomato to show your disgust, if you throw an apple, you’ll probably get assault charges.
This is a place where life begins to sprint towards things
We need
We want
We crave
We require
Where we gather it in our arms
Careful not to drop it
And hold it tight like it will dissolve away
This is where we are satisfied
Complete
Fulfilled

Thursday, August 13, 2009

And this is how you get accepted to college....


This is a copy of the letter I sent that got me accepted into college...enjoy.

“It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person,
"Always do what you are afraid to do."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
________________________________________________________________________
My name is Holly Theobald. I am applying to attend Mankato State University in the fall of 2009. My goal is to earn a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree with a concentration in graphic design. I am submitting my application to be reviewed for consideration under contract. I thank you in advance for taking the time to review my request.
I attended Mountain Lake Public School for my high school career. I was involved with theatre, speech, choir, and student groups. I was excited to be a graduate of the class of 2003, However, the last day of my senior year, I was informed that I was half a credit short in an elective and that I would be unable to receive a diploma with my fellow students. I walked graduation with my head held high…Though in reality, I had a secret that I did not share with many. My college plans were dashed and put on the back burner. For the last six years, I have regretted the way things transpired, and dreamed of one day being able to go to college.
In May of 2007, my 56 year old mother passed away suddenly and mysteriously. I had two young brothers still living at home with her. At the time of her death, my father was a two year patient at the VA hospital in Minneapolis. He was diagnosed with Pancreatitis, and was very ill. He was released on an emergency basis after my mother‘s death. The following months found me busy with caring for my father and brothers. The loss of my mother eventually led me back to my hometown to be closer to my family.
This last May, I took the day marking two years since my mother’s death off from work. I spent the day focusing on where my life was headed and the aspirations my mom had always had for me. She was always encouraging me to try new things, and above all, to be true to myself. That morning, I sat outside, listening to the mourning doves ( my mom’s favorite…) and I realized that I needed more in my life and that I had to take the initiative for me and my family’s future. I have always enjoyed art and desired to attain a career in it, but I always second-guessed myself. That day, I found the courage.
I called MSU, curious as to how I could enroll in a few non-credit art classes. I talked to several people, and I was eventually transferred to the undergraduate admissions office. A woman named Laura took my call. She told me I would need a diploma to attend any classes. Defeated, I got ready to say my thanks and hang up…to give up once again. Before I got the chance, Laura spoke up and referred me to a adult diploma program in Mankato. She gave me all the contact information I needed and gave me well wishes. As I hung up the phone, I was very hesitant about the idea of admitting to yet another person that I had not officially graduated high school. I heard my Mom, encouraging me in the back of my head, “This is your chance…” I took a deep breath, and hesitantly dialed the foreign number.
Two weeks later, I was enrolled in the adult diploma program. It took a lot of tenacity to work through the barriers that I faced with my school. My efforts were paying off very quickly. I began the program with a class in college prep. This class became very enlightening to me. It taught me strengths that I didn’t realize I had, and it also pointed out areas of weakness that I often overlooked. My class requirements allowed me to take my accuplacer test in preparation for college. I scored very low in math, my least favorite subject, so I began a two week math course to brush up on my math. It was very encouraging for me. I realized how much more I cared now than I did in high school. I learned formulas that I never even thought important before. I had many small victories as I participated in my course work. After I had passed my math class, I began my last course, Career Exploration. At first, I disregarded this as an important class, but it did not take me long to realize how pivotal this class would become. I was required to research colleges and careers. I was challenged to think realistically about my goals and motivations. I had to start examining my weaknesses, and focusing on how to overcome them. During this time, I had the opportunity and pleasure to visit the campus at MSU and to meet with Jim Johnson. This visit gave me the final nudge and the courage I needed to make the decision to attend college. This month I received my diploma, a feat that has enabled me to assess my life and my dreams, a tool I vow to use wholeheartedly.
As a non-traditional student, I am full of fear and uncertainty. This is a huge step in my life, and the decision to commit to college is taken very seriously. With age, knowledge, and experience, I have realized that I would not have utilized college to it’s full potential six years ago. I apply with a deep appreciation and excitement for the learning experiences that lie around the corner.
As Mankato State University’s vision statement explains: “Minnesota State Mankato will be known as a university where people expect to go further than they thought possible by combining knowledge and the passion to achieve great things.” This sums up where my life has led me. I have reached a point where I can go further than I thought possible, and I will continue to. I have learned to combine my knowledge and my passions in a promising and rewarding way. Through my dedication, humbleness, courage, gratitude, and enthusiasm, I will achieve great things…And I hope I can do it at Minnesota State University, Mankato.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Reckless

Feel'in kind of reckless
Sort of dead in the head
Come and fill the empty imprint in my bed.
Chase me round in circles
Don't give up too fast
I always wondered if we could last.

Listen close
Listen hard

Pretend we're what we were
All over
Pretty words
Soft embrace.
Pretend you don't want me to leave.
Cause I'm feel'in kind of reckless.
And I might.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Classy Lady, Cheap Date

This is what I look like before I end up in the hospital with a body temp of 94.7 and a BAC of .127. Yes, that's after I puked and seizured. I am still finding mystery bruises from my Saturday night fiasco. I managed to pull this all off in 2 hours. Drinking when you are sun burnt, dehydrated, angry, and on a crazy starve yourself diet is not a good idea. I was quite classy. Boo. Happy to be alive.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Spin me Round

Spinning round
it all looked pretty.
Bright lights of love
never dimming.
Slowing down
the lights will flicker.
That's when I realize
you aren't getting better.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom


For a friend.... I hope he can have all three...

Hold me Close

Spiraling Desires
Tight arms of Inspiration
Dance me to the day
Hold me close
Brush my lips with hope
Whisper soft and speak of love
Breathe passions lightly on my neck
Hold me close
'till the morning comes
It's a long fall back to earth

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

B.J. Thomas

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Long days and short nights

Just like I start every other post....It's been pretty hectic around here. I'm trying to figure out how I am not in a coma. I'm working 2 jobs, going to school, raising a toddler, and my hubby works night shifts while I work the days. I AM TIRED! I'm so tired, I actually spent my last $20 bucks buying my daughter the WRONG size diapers. I'm also falling asleep at the daycare I work at. I'm trying to figure out if it's at all possible to sleep with the cruise control on while driving. Yes. That tired. The house looks like a mess. I look like a mess. Only half of my yard is mowed. I am a hot mess. The next week is going to be hell. I start a math class and I just LOVE math. The only reason I ever passed my stupid math classes in high school is because the teachers didn't want to fail me and face the wrath of my mother. My husband works the next 8 days in a row. 6pm-6am. Which qualifies me as a single parent for the next week. Yay. I'm out of money until next Friday and I will soon be out of gas. And my car will be empty too. My employer wants me to paint like 6 murals on the walls at my minimum wage job, and I have to gain the courage to insist more for more art. Anyways, I guess I am looking for sympathy....if you have any to spare, please send it my way. It hasn't been all bad. This photo of my little E made me smile:



Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Monday, May 18, 2009

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine


Wow. It has been hectic around this part of the part of the woods. I'll summarize all the craziness in my signature scattered way. Here's the highlights of my life...

* Mother's day sucked again this year. I spent the whole day cleaning and then hubby wouldn't wake up...(gotta love the night shifts) so I went to work to do some weekend cleaning. I did get a sweet Life Times Mom photo book from the in-laws and petunias from church. Elle made me a flower out of her handprints at daycare. That made me smile... Precious.

* My dad got me 6 banty hens for Mother's day. Three died today of mysterious causes. Boo. They are neat though. Elle named them all "Oddddddddyyyy". Cute.

*My pug chewed the head off a rat and dropped it off on the step of the front door outside. Yummy. I think he has some rage issues. Yuck.

*I'm finally going to get my diploma. I was 1/2 a credit short and never got it in 2003. I'm doing a college prep class and in about 5 weeks I will finally have a diploma from my school and hopefully be accepted at Mankato State so I can take some art classes. ( Good run-on sentence...) Whoo Hoo.

* Took Elle to her first races in Jackson. It was so miserably cold and windy! Her and I left after the heats and went to Burger King. Sad.

* My younger brother graduates on Friday. In absence of my Mom, that makes me the designated party planner. I HAVE NOTHING DONE!!!!!! It will be awesome and we will rock people's socks. It will just be a hellish week for me. I'm proud of him though. Yay.

* I fainted friday night in the shower. I think I am dehydrated and have been. I get so busy I forget to eat and drink and then I take too many pills for my notorious tooth aches. Scary.

* I'm going to the ballet on the 30th in Kato. They are doing "Alice in Wonderland". Hubby and I are going. He's going to buy me a dress, out to dinner, ballet, bars, and then we're staying at the hotel. I am excited to get out of town for a bit. I am going to wear my hair in a beehive. Awesome.

*Spring is here today. Finally! 81 degrees and heavenly! Now I just got to get our 3.5 acres mowed. Damn you broken mower. Sigh.

Friday, May 8, 2009

doodled


A little doodle...while I was watching TV and minding my toddler.

Second May Seventh


I have no idea how I got so lucky with this shot. Thank you cybershot and thank you Ugly. It was fate.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Springtime at Holiday Acres




Summer Wish List:
* Bird feeders
*Lots of wind chimes
*Patio with pergola
*Sand box
*Horseshoe pit
*Lots of flowers
*Tree swing
*Swimming pool (at least 4 feet deep)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Heart



Fortttttttyou
Barelytttttthere,
but always trying.
Craving silently...
Can't you see?
Look at me.
Please
You
Me
I

Monday, April 6, 2009

weekend "bullet style"

it has been a crazy weekend and now week...here are my thoughts in my very signature scattered style:
  • took babe to the emergency room on saturday. she had a high temp and was very miserable. i love how it took 6 straight days of high fever, cough, ungodly amounts of snot, ear infection and a trip to the emergency room for someone to finally take us serious and get her started on an antibiotic. i get very defensive because i sometimes think of myself as a "young" mother and think that no one takes me seriously because of my age...or my tattoos or something dumb like that. i forget that 24 is not "young" by today's standards. she is doing a lot better now. finally...
  • hubby has begun talking to me. but nothing about our little squabble. i was a little worried because he opened a checking account this weekend in his name. i was convinced he was leaving me. he tried to *cough* snuggle with me the other night and i had to stop him. even though we have been talking, he didn't apoligize or give me my wedding rings. i love how men can be so dismissive about some things. i'm still pretty upset and hoping everything gets better. i just want to feel like a wanted woman again. i want to fall in love again. i keep trying to convince myself i am exactly where i need to be in my life right now. i hope i'm right.
  • Ugly came to visit this weekend in between the fights between me and hubby and babe being sick. it was so nice to see her again. babe gave her plenty of snot souviners to take home with her. i wish i was more available, but home was crazy and i was so tired in between. i hope she had fun. we watched slumdog millionaire and decided it was cool, but didn't live up to the hype and that i need a bigger tv therfore larger subtitles. Ugly made me a mixtape and i made her one as well. i'm listening to the one she gave me and i think it is so awesome how similar we are for not talking for 6 years! how wonderful to have an old friend again.
  • i'm thinking about all the things i love to do (art, piano, singing, reading, acting) and how pathetic i am for not finding time for any of it. i have not read a full book in almost a year. the only time i sing is when i'm in the car by myself. i quit theatre years ago. my keyboard is in a corner upstairs. i can barely find the time and focus to draw. these are all things that define me and i choose not to have time. i'm miserable not doing the things i am passionate about. how sick i make myself.
  • i want to grow my hair out, lose 30 pounds and then chop all my hair off into a faux hawk. not even joking. if i can scrounge up some more cheekbone this summer, i'm totally going to do it.
  • i realized the other day when i was out smoking, that if my house didn't have such nice siding, that i would NEVER live here. my house is always under construction inside and some parts are down right ugly, but the outside is so beautiful when people drive by. but at least i have a "pretty house" to the neighbours. kinda sounds like my life. especially the construction part.
  • i'm going to buy a birdfeeder and a crap ton of bird seed. the birds are awesome here in the mornings. they get so close to me. i'm going to be one of those people i made fun of when i was younger...sitting in front of the window with a field guide and a cup of coffee.
  • i have to make easter bunnies out of construction paper hearts tommorrow for preschool. who the hell makes a bunny out of hearts? i don't get it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My Mid-Night Soundtrack

Track 1.......Eight Cup Folgers
Track 2......Comet Cleaner
Track 3......Fever 101
Track 4......Camel Cigarettes
Track 5......Neck Ache
Track 6......He's Still Pissed
Track 7......90's Rock
Track 8......Broken Furnace
Track 9......Should Be Sleeping
Track 10.....Ugly Tommorrow
Track 11.....New Shampoo
Track 12.....Numb

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Trying hard to balance "Domesticated" and "Deranged"

So it's 1:37 am "my world" time and I'm trying to figure out why I'm not sleeping, why I just ate a plate of goulash, and why I'm entertaining the thought of another cigarette and cleaning my kitchen. (Not at the same time mind you...) I've had kind of a bummer day.


I've been a real jerk and I've just kind of reveled in it and rolled around in it all day...and now next day too. My babe has had a fever and is under the weather...my dog vomited some of the most un-godly "stuff" I have ever seen (or smelled) in my entire life...got into a really nasty fight with my husband...(in case the illustration earlier didn't give it away) and my furnace is on the fritz so I can't even feel my toes right now. Grrr.


I couldn't wake the hubby up today. He works nights and I am very much a day person. (But I can swing the nights too) I've just kinda become accustomed to the no sleep state. I get very jealous that he gets to sleep whenever he wants while I take care of EVERYTHING. I shook him, yelled at him, poked, prodded, snatched the blanket...the only reaction I got was a couple of grumbled curse words. So I did the only thing that made sense in the moment. I grabbed the nearest water bottle, gave him the warning, and began the countdown. I poured the water on him and he was Pissed (note: the capital "P"). He grabbed the bottle and flung water on me and all around the bedroom. In my heightened rage, I took my wedding rings and threw them in his face. When he calmed down, he picked them up and tried to hand them to me. I let out a couple of huffs and wouldn't take them. He would not give up. So finally, I took them and dropped them on the ground right at his feet. Now usually, I'm not the sort of girl that would do this...but today I was in a pretty rare mood.


We took Babe to the Doctor. He apparently thought that a fever and rattly cough was pretty mild and told us to give her Tylenol for the fever. Eight minute appointment. Thanks Doctor McJerkface. I just fought tooth and nail with my husband to get him here, got Babe all ready to go, drove to the doctor in complete utter silence, paid a $20 copay for you to think I'm an overbearing Mom?!? @#$%!&*


We get home, another 6 miles in complete silence... and Hubby kisses Babe and leaves. Off for another night of work. I didn't wave and he didn't say goodbye. The second he started down the road, I scramble upstairs to pick up my wedding rings. Damn. He beat me to the chase. I've felt pretty mean all night. I almost get more mad when hubby doesn't want to engage in a fight. I wish he would so I knew he was hearing me. I'm old-fashioned and I think a man should always take care of his wife and family. But lately, I'm feeling kinda like a convienent room mate for him. I feel bad for busting off the wedding rings, but I want him to think about our vows and I really want him to just fall in love with me again. I really don't want to wear my wedding rings until then. Maybe next time around, he'll get down on one knee. I guess I'll have to just clean my kitchen and wait for morning to come.

Having a bad day


Thursday, March 26, 2009

My Mom


In about 30 minutes, it will be my Mom's birthday. She died on May 7, 2007. I'm sad that I can't give her a gift or call her. When she was alive, her Birthday greetings and gifts were all a little late. Now that she's gone, I plan her birthday for weeks in advance. She was an amazing woman and she touched a lot of lives. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Love and care for everyone like this is their last moment. It sounds cliche, but let them know how great they are. I wish I could have told my Mom more often. Now I just have to honor her in the way I live my life and raise my daughter. I love her so much. Happy Birthday Mom.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Crie de Vous et Moi

Emmêlez-vous vos doigts par mes cheveux,
Bénissez oh s'il vous plaît mes lèvres avec le vôtre.
Vos doigts dansant sur ma joue,
Vos mots doux ont respiré sur mon cou.
Oh cet air est rapide,
Cet air est dur de respirer.
Cet air crie de vous et moi.

Haikus! Bless You...

Please do not leave me
As I have fallen for you
And once we were one


Swallow me empty
Spin me into the deepest
oblivion made


Ocean floor so clear
Visions of love reflected
The coarse sand of you


Stars are spinning bright
I wish to live your one song
Be your orchestra

My first Spoken

Everyone's too in love and flowers pick themselves.
Here and there and this and that and I've renamed myself "Afterwards" after all your words,
Your words you gave to the birds and the bees and to all without wings and everyone's too in love and I'm just a frail hand looking for a glove to cover these fingers you held so close.
We were so close and who knows what we could have been,
but that's the past and today's today,
a day to say I have nothing to fear but I wish I had someone right here to listen and hear with eyes to eyes and lip to lip,
wake up to a peace of mind,
a sign
an imprint on my double bed to hold my head and to say what you said.
Quick!
I'm not dead but I want it in my head and I don't GOT the power to pick my own flowers cause I'm too tired with these fascinations I have,
and I'm sure if all heard this,
they'd just laugh.
"Silly girl, fancying herself..."
But the truth is I'm living in hell,
the worst place to be,
but can't anyone see it's not up to me,
it's not up to me to drown myself in this sea of ideals.
And ask me:
"Water in your lungs...how's it feel?"
"Water in your lungs...that could kill!"
And I don't need to swim until I drown in the sounds of illusions and delusions and sight and smell and sound.
The flowers
silently
pick themselves
cause everyone's too in love.

In the arms of Inspiration...Let me waste away

"Observations"
Throttle the swan and sing of beauty everyday.
Found , once again, blundering ethics while left lost.
Stupidity pulls the weight of the fallen.
Hate's cruel unexposures revealed in the hypocrisy of joy and love.
Raise your arms,
lose yourself,
and begin again.


"Wisconsin"
Like the light of a party in full swing.
Reflections and shadows gracing the windows with their private dance.
Alcohol warming mouths and drama being spoken louder than necessary.
Laughter and whispers.
So this is how she shall live life...


"Stupid Potheads Leaving the Windows Open"
Giggles upon inebriated night air lingers round my ears pulling me from sleep.
My eyes beg refuge in comatose thoughts...my harmony to this chilled night.
This pen writes of this cigarette smoke tracking in pale circles.
I'm wishing very hard that someone will shut that damn window.


"A.M."
Waking up to your shower of kisses,
melting into the circle of your arms.
Some call it fleeting,
but I can smile at your glances and trust in these moments as lasting.

My freaky dream

So I don't normally post things like the following because I would be too afraid of what people might think of me...but I have to post this:

So this afternoon, I caught a little nap before my husband had to go to work. I was very tired and fell asleep right away. I had two fairly good dreams that I can't remember, but I do remember in my dream thinking this can't be rea,l pinch me. I pinched myself and didn't wake up and finally forced my eyes awake and saw my bedroom...So I knew I was dreaming and went right back into. The third dream I had was a little more intense...still foggy though. This is what I remember: It was some afternoon and My husband, daughter, and I had my husband's family at our house. it was a nice day and then something started to go wrong ( I don't remember what). Something like the weather or power. Then, we started to have a lot of water issues in the house. Pipes were leaking and our septic wasn't working right...but it was all very mild...just a lot of water. Then the floors in our house started to sag from all the water. For some reason my husband and daughter were sleeping in the bedroom. I ran up to the room and my daughter's playpen had began to sink through the floor and I felt really panicked. I grabbed her and woke up my husband. He woke up and when we looked out the window, there was water rushing from all over our property right up and into the house and the structure started to sink. Then it stormed very briefly and then a bunch of flies started to gather and the noise was very loud. I started to get scared and after a bit, the flies ended and it started to snow. I said to my husband that I thought this was the Apocolypse, and started to pray out loud very hard. Then it started to get very hot and it felt like the tops of our heads were going to explode from the heat (but nothing was hurting us) and we felt peace. Then we're in a typical looking city in a building. There's a sermon going on and people I've never met all over the place. We ask and found out we're in heaven. It wasn't all beautiful, it just looked like a regular place and there were people all over that looked as if they were volunteering. Some people were out on the street talking and people were inside and everyone is acting like nothing even happened. There was a long table with like 3 volunteer looking people where you could go and find out if your loved ones were in heaven at that time. We went and the first person we asked about was my father-in-law. The lady told us he was clear. Then went to ask about my mother-in-law and they told us to ask tommorrow. They could only tell us one at a time. I don't remember all the other stuff, but then we're all back on earth. Everybody is still very calm as if nothing really happened. We are still in a city-looking place. We start to walk and as we're walking past all the destroyed homes, a girl behind me makes a comment about how pissed she is that her books, now laying in piles on the sidewalk, are ruined. Then, I meet up with some friends and my husband seperates to go do something. Me and my friends are amazed because people are looting and stealing other's things. (Seriously, don't you think that would be the last of your worries during the end times?) Then my husband comes back in our car (somehow) and has a bunch of stolen road signs. And that's about all I remember. I just woke up really scared, and moved, and peaceful. Ithought this was one of those things I just had to share to get others minds going too.

LIght Under the Door

Sprinkle your magic dust and turn me into the girl who lays there and wants the touch,
the touch she wouldn't normally want,
but that you're about to give.
Watch this room collide with the curve of your back as I breathe hard and try to speak the words I lack.
Feel my body tremor uncontrollably as we spin into a deep oblivion,
digging my grave.
Try to lift my arm,
try to touch you,
just try to be brave.
Try to utter or scream over the breathing that controls me:
Help... Someone please save me.
Look at the room shrinking smaller around your smile and see it bust at the seams...
Just focus on the light under the door...
Try to reach for the water at the foot of the bed.
Sit up,
fall down,
we all fall down and around and around and east and west and north and south.
Feel my body weighed down by the length of yours leaving a double image of mine laying there,
trying to get you to hear the words I just said.
Notice the room turning a faint shade of red.
Picture my family portrait,
my brothers in the front,
parents in the back.
Imagine me still weightless,
still dead.
So is this rape or confusion?
Confusion over what I would do or what I have done or what I want to or what I can do with a little enchantment from your special drug.
As you wrap me in the hug of this drug,
a limbo,
but not a disco,
cause the lights are actually pretty there...
Toss and turn and yearn and burn to slip into the light under the door.
So take your flag and drive it into my spine,
claim as your territory for this morning and most of the night.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Old Skool

I.
Drink a drop of hope and watch it grow inside,
Plant a seed of happiness and pesticide the pride.
With the grieving comes the mourning,
With the mourning comes the sun.

II.
Warm talk by a drafty window
Camera flashes lighting moments
Saturday night in a city of sound and lights
And loving every minute of this short life
And it's a great night for me to fall in love with who I am
To embrace my beauty before anyone else can

III.
If I could write words with this cigarette smoke,
I'd have a novel.
If I could cash this reality check,
I would be a millionaire.
And If I could save all our time in a bottle,
I would still be very thirsty.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I Feel Pretty


One of my favorite movies is "Enchanted". A lot of people like this movie for it's comedy... Amy Adams skipping around in a poofy dress, singing to the birds, stopping to talk to strangers and tell them how lovely they are...It all seems a little funny and definately outlandish...well not for me! I've always been the girl that would rather wear a long dress instead of a tube top. I stick my pinky out when I drink things and have "pagaent" hands. (They're sorta like jazz hands, just a little less in your face). I would love to skip, and sometimes I do...it just looks like I'm having a seizure. When no one is around, I like to float around and sing songs just like Snow White singing to the woodland creatures. It must work, cause my dogs get hella excited...or scared maybe. Anyhow, I've always been the type who was convinced that my True Love would be the one that noticed the way I pushed my hair out of my eyes, or how gentle and fluid my body moved. He would be able to look in my eyes and know everything about me. He would hold my hand and dote on me and maybe even drool. I thought about those little things more than anything else growing up. I was always sure that I was the most beautiful in the room and nobody would be able to ignore me. Now that I've been married almost 3 1/2 years, I've figured out that my husband did not fall in love with me because of the sultry stares and the magical hair flips. He fell in love with the girl that wakes up with her hairbrush still stuck in her hair and a puddle of drool on his corner of the pillow. The girl that blurts out the most random obscenities at the stupid, flippin, mothertruckers who decide to drive like deuch bags in front of us. The girl who cries during really freaky parts of scary movies. The girl who skips the candlelit dinner and brings home a bucket of chicken and a case of Mt. Dew. Although somedays I may be overwhelmed by my busy life as a wife, mother, and worker and I may not feel so pretty. I have to remember that my husband has still not noticed my "pageant hands" but he notices that I stick my pinky out when I light my zippo. Amy Adams ain't got nothing on me...and I haven't even changed out of my pajamas today!

Things About Me That Normally Don't Come Up in a First Conversation


i took eleven years of piano and i cannot read music.



i was adopted and i was always convinced i was really some long lost princess.



i kill every single house plant i get. but not on purpose. even cactuses.



i taught myself latin because i got bored one time.



i was a virgin until my husband.



i love cartoons. i wish they were real.



when my brother was 5, i convinced him to run away from home. i packed him clothes and made him food and drew him a map. he was gone for a whole 9 hours before my parents found him and i was in a lot of trouble.



i once snuck into a boys bathroom dressed as a boy just to tag a stall.



i went to a christian school in 4th grade and got the crap beat out of me everyday. that's were i learned how to swear too.



i think dinosaurs are awesome. rawr.



i hate adults that wear clothes with disney characters on them. like seriously...you're old.




i went to france on a missions trip and came back with an english boyfriend.




i smoke way too many cigarettes.





i found my biological family on facebook. weird. i know.





i watched somebody die after a murder.




i worked as a bartender in a strip joint for a whole week. it was super entertaining and very odd.




i've dyed my hair at least 20 times. at least...






My First Blog

this is my first blog post.
hm...
this is what it is.
i cannot figure out these colors.
and this is not even me.